The “Leprechaun Code of Conduct,” as told – between long naps – by an actual professional leprechaun:

 

• If it moves, kiss it.

 

• If it stinks, eat it.

 

• Admit that “last call!” is merely a suggestion.

 

• Be playful.

 

• If that fails, still be playful.

 

• Underwear? Optional.

 

• Deodorant? Optional.

 

• Let your hair go.

 

• Sharpen your tongue.

 

• Snore.

 

• Smirk a lot.

 

• Tempt fate.

 

• Embrace your inner brat.

 

• Waste every opportunity.

 

• Pry into everyone’s business.

 

• Dilly-dally.

 

• Dupe.

 

• Hoodwink.

 

• Bamboozle.

 

• Take the low road.

 

• Max-out Mom’s Visa.

 

• Kill that keg.

 

• Boo Santa Claus.

 

• Hiss at heroes.

 

• Date an heiress.

 

• Marry a Munchkin.

 

• Loiter.

 

• Dawdle.

 

• Procrastinate.

 

• Hone your vices.

 

• Mumble your prayers.

 

• Follow every sneaky impulse.

 

• Lose your way.

 

• Climb rainbows, flaunting all the usual safety protocols.

 

• Kid a kid.

 

• Tease a teacher.

 

• Deny the obvious

 

• Break your promises.

 

• Snag that last slice of pizza.

 

• Forget to brush.

 

• Forget to flush.

 

• Twist the facts to your own advantage.

 

• Cheat. Bet. Swindle. Covet.

 

• Tip sparingly, if at all.

 

• Always leave your wet towel on the bedroom floor.

 

• Complain vociferously.

 

• Never listen to reason, especially your dopey dad.

 

• Carry carrots (in case you meet a

unicorn).

 

• Harmonize.

 

• Twinkle.

 

• Twankle.

 

• Truckle.

 

• Tempt.

 

• Rush through dinner.

 

• Steal a kiss.

 

• Take all the credit.

 

• Mock every good idea.

 

• Never make your bed … ever.

 

• Dance to church bells.

 

• Flirt with disaster.

 

• Laugh in the face of actual work.

 

• Wiggle out of everything.

 

• Spit a lot.

 

• Let your laundry pile up.

 

• Ignore your obligations.

 

• Win at all costs.

 

• Throw rocks at the A students.

 

• Favorite color: ginger.

 

• Favorite crush: Emma Stone.

 

• Favorite sport: belly rubs.

 

• Investment plan: a lottery ticket.

 

• Life savings: none.

 

• Health plan: none

 

• Regrets: none.

 

• Favorite workout: a tall glass of beer.

 

• Hug a mother.

 

• Pet a Pekingese.

 

• Noogie a nun.

 

• Talk back.

 

• Slouch.

 

• Drool.

 

• Entice.

 

• Titillate.

 

• Razz.

 

• Rib.

 

• Sing.

 

• Rejoice.

 

• Make every day St. Paddy’s Day.

 

Last plea on behalf of the Erskine Family Compassion Fund, which honors my late wife and son. The donations help struggling families across Los Angeles: LCPCparented.org/give/