The speed bumps are jarring on Van Ness Avenue between Beverly Boulevard and First Street. (photo by Michael Krikorian)

My cousin Jeff is coming to town with his wife Mary and her family from New Jersey who have never been to Los Angeles. Jeff asked me what tourist attractions he should take Mary’s family to see in the only three days they are going to be here.

With such a short time, I just told him the usual classic attractions. The tour of the movie stars’ homes, the Chinese Theater on Hollywood Boulevard with the movie stars’ footprints and handprints, the speed bumps on Van Ness Avenue between Beverly Boulevard and First Street, Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, the Watts Towers and maybe Venice Beach.

I’m quite sure everyone who reads the Beverly Press knows of all these legends, though I would bet it’s been a while for many to have been to see the Watts Towers. If ever. As for the others, I know they’ve been there. Especially the renowned Van Ness Speed Bumps.

You know how some streets have those signs posted that read “No Trucks Over 3 Tons” or “No Vehicles Over 12’ Tall?” Well, there should be a sign at southbound Van Ness Avenue at Beverly Boulevard that reads “No Lamborghinis, Ferraris or McLarens allowed.” Throw in 911 Porsches, too.

The reason is because of the “speed bumps” installed on Van Ness. Bumps? They’re more like miniature versions of El Captain and Half Dome. I have been driving in Los Angeles for decades – before there were any speed bumps – but I have never driven over any that compare to the jarring mounds on Van Ness Avenue between Beverly Boulevard and First Street. I would know. I live on Van Ness – between Second and Third – and, though I often go out of my way to avoid them, I usually get jarred a few times a week. Every time I do, I am stunned by these three bumps.

For the record, I have been meaning to finish this story for over a year. I saw former L.A. Times editor Noah Goldberg quite a while back on a walk and told him I am writing about the bumps. He said he had considered that himself and would look forward to reading my piece.

The problem is not the bumps. It’s me. Up front, let me say this is not an investigative piece. Like how the hell were they allowed to be built. I’m not going Woodward and Bernstein to get to the bottom – or top – of this. I know what happened. The regular city bump people weren’t available, and some outside team did the job. As for this piece, like I said, no investigation, merely a series of ledes, journalistic lingo for the opening paragraph.

I liked that original lede, with the Lamborghinis and all, cousin Jeff and showing tourist attractions, so I kept them up top. But, every time I make the mistake of not avoiding these jarring bumps and “go over,” I come up with a new lede.

Here they are.

There is construction along Van Ness Avenue just south of Beverly Boulevard this week. A new Urgent Care is being built. BUMPS R US URGENT CARE.

The other day I was driving on Van Ness between Beverly Boulevard and First Street and I noticed an incredible amount of ants. Using a device I got from an Instagram ad, there were 56,000 ants along the curbs near my address, an ant for every seat at Dodger Stadium. I pulled over and talked to one of them. Turns out one of the outdoorsy ants was attempting to “Free Solo” the Northern most of the speed bumps on Van Ness, the so-called North Face, the El Capitan of the bumps.

I was flying into LAX from Beirut the other day and as we banked to line up with the runways, the pilot came on the intercom and said, “If you look out to your left you can see the Van Ness Bumps.” That’s all he had to say and passengers craned to get a look.

There are six “bumps.” Three facing north, three south. Of them, the northernmost, the one you first confront while driving south on Van Ness from Beverly – that one is the one. The El Capitan of them all.

You know, for some reason, near LAX there are numerous billboards advertising lawyers for injuries. That’s happening on Van Ness. Many billboards from lawyers have popped up recently about neck whiplash, about sudden jar injuries.

Every time I drive down the “El Cap” bump, an oxygen tank drops from my car’s overhead due to the sudden loss of attitude.

A resident of Van Ness near the “El Cap” said that when the city repaved Van Ness years back they neglected to put in speed bumps.

“People were speeding down our block and we were getting on them,” said the resident. “Where are our bumps?” she and others asked the city. When it came time to put in the bumps, according to the resident, the regular city crew was not available, so they hired out. The result? The tourist attraction.

City, maybe when you can, go over to Van Ness and redo the “speed bumps.”  Lamborghinis are cars, too.