March Madness? March sadness. Pass me a burger.

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By Chris Erskine / March 22, 2023

Chris Erskine

Random thoughts from the damaged mind of a man whose bracket just went up in flames:

L.A. is the most-Picasso place in the world — everyone sees something different.
World’s best sound: “Play ball!”
World’s worst sound: “Last call!”
Mammoth and Tahoe look like the North Pole.
Send sandbags now, Governor Gav.
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” (Billy Wilder)
The older we get, the less we worry.
The older we get, the better our childhoods.
Updated Final Four prediction: UCLA. Princeton. Tennessee. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
FYI, California’s tax deadline has been further extended to Oct. 15, due to the storms.
The bad news: Inflation will continue till further notice.
Tired of “Ted Lasso?” Try “Shrinking” on Apple Plus (set in Pasadena).
Warning: You’ll fall hard for Jessica Williams, the young actress who steals every scene.
My definition of insanity: Figuring out the remotes at a rental house.
And I’m having a rocky relationship with my car’s clock.
L.A. has too much fussy food.
But the burgers and margaritas make up for it.
Hollywood needs a total _____________ (Makeover? Exorcism? Lobotomy?)
I still don’t understand NFL “franchise tags.” And I probably never will.
Loopy Bill Walton would make for an incredible Esquire profile, or “30 for 30.”
Speaking of loopy, how about that Jamie Lee Curtis?
Love her, but that ditzy movie broke my brain.
Nurses and teachers are the only angels we have left.
Well, most of them, anyway.
I’ve hit every button on my dash. Still no clock.
Among the things that break my brain: rental house remotes. (photo by Chris Erskine)
I’ve hit every button on these rental-house remotes. Still no TV.
Yet, somehow I remain hopeful.
Go Hogwarts!
Trivia time: Which author has outsold everything except the Bible and the works of William Shakespeare (answer below)
The more a team dribbles, the less it wins. Just watch.
FYI, Alexander Graham Bell found phones so annoying he refused to have one in his home.
Tale of two cities: Office workers now turn up three days a week, but my gardener shows up in a cold rain.
I’m not crying. Mother Nature is crying.
Someone grab a towel.
For the life of me, I can’t figure out why anyone would put vodka in a sauce.
Or Princeton in the Final Four.
L.A. Marathon suggestion: Start at Malibu and finish in Venice.
The slumping NBA needs Charles Barkley as commissioner.
My Yelp review of Hollywood: “Super frantic, out of touch, shows little regard for its customers.”
No wait, that’s Washington.
Actual National Park Service post: “If you hold a wild ermine up to your ear, you can hear what it’s like to be attacked by a wild ermine.”
Maybe the Park Service should write for Showtime?
“The two most important days in your life…the day you were born, and the day you find out why.” (Mark Twain)
This week’s musical rec: Throaty chanteuse Lizz Wright.
This week’s food craving: The garlic chicken at Zankou.
To me, the best sit-coms feature flawed characters you’d like to invite to dinner.
Dear Tesla owners: You don’t have a spare tire. And the service wait will take up half your day.
Me, I’m lucky to have an electric toothbrush.
Best morning-show host name: Poppy Harlow.
Best best-seller: Mel Brooks’ memoir, as wildly entertaining as his brilliant comedies.
But could “Blazing Saddles” get made today? Probably not.
Same for “All in the Family.”
“Gutfeld!” may be the most-painful show in the history of television.
Trivia answer: Agatha Christie is the third best-seller of all time.
Trivia question II: Where did California get its name? (answer below)
March birthdays: Elton John, 76; Shaquille O’Neal, 51; Jessica Biel, 41; Lady Gaga, 37.
Life is 80% fascination. And 20% laundry.
“A failure is not always a mistake, it may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances. The real mistake is to stop trying.” (psychologist B.F. Skinner)
First, I couldn’t bring myself to toss my old albums. Now I can’t toss my old CDs.
And what about all my priceless coaching plaques?
Now that would be a mistake.
Trivia answer II (courtesy of my son Smartacus): California was named for a mythical island, full of female warriors, in a 16th century novel.
Ironic, huh?
And finally…as Kepler noted, the square of a planet’s orbital period is directly proportional to the cube of its average distance from the sun.
As usual, God is in the details.
And the proof is in the pudding.
How it got there, no one knows.