­What if I told you there exists a film beyond explanation? Something so original you lack a comparison necessary to categorize it. In this film, you feast on dizzying visuals $176 million in the making, all brought to you by the visionary creators of “The Matrix”. And by film’s end, all you can say is, perhaps “Phantom Menace” wasn’t that bad.

Channing Tatum stars as Caine, and Mila Kunis appears as Jupiter Jones in the new film, “Jupiter Ascending”. (photo courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures)

Sure, George Lucas might have replaced the intergalactic frontier with a stuffy parliament, but he never featured a pointy-eared Channing Tatum donning hover boots that allow him to rollerblade through the sky.

Once promising directors, the Wachowskis’ downward can’t spiral any lower, proving “The Matrix Reloaded”, “The Matrix Revolution” and “Speed Racer” weren’t accidents. Yes, I remain one of the few blokes who actually appreciated “Cloud Atlas” despite Tom Hanks’ painful overacting and an excessive runtime, but at least it was a beautiful failure. Depicting that many storylines across time is a lofty goal, and they nearly succeeded. Their problem, then, was rather simple, and easily reincarnates itself in “Jupiter”. They need copy editors.

Like too many one-hit wonders before them, the Wachowskis lack an anchor, a humble presence attuned with how audience members enjoy films. Without this anchor, their characters’ movements and dialogue don’t feel human — they’re just as robotic as the computers that saturate backgrounds for every scene. That’s problematic in science fiction films that include an eclectic assortment of non-human characters; the uncanny valley is a location that devours all clumsy CGI depictions.

And now, an unfortunate word from the storyline. We start with voiceover narration thanks to Mila Kunis, as Jupiter Jones, a Cinderella character with the name of a porn star. Enter so much unnecessary exposition: father’s murder, past Russian immigration to Chicago, day job cleaning toilets, etc. Out of nowhere, we end up on some other planet, listening to space royalty discuss the politics of harvesting planets (apparently Earth isn’t unique; it’s just one of many planets meant for organ harvest when the global population brims).

And then we’re back on toilet duty. But don’t worry, Caine Wise (Tatum), a soldier genetically created from spliced human and wolf DNA, protects Jupiter from bounty hunters because she’s actually reincarnated royalty (I guess it’s not plagiarism when the Wachowskis borrow ideas from themselves). But she gets no warm welcomes from family members, especially from villainous Balem Abrasax (Eddie Redmayne, challenging the notion that he should win an Oscar for his Stephen Hawking role), who don’t fondly remember mommy dearest.

With all that convoluted explanation out of the way, get ready for flashy action scenes and the most hokey alien makeup this century. You might just believe you fell into a sequel for David Lynch’s fiasco “Dune”. But perhaps campiness vomiting all over contrived acting is the point.  We might have our next midnight movie.

I can just imagine audiences reciting a splendid bit of dialogue between Caine and Jupiter. She finally expresses her romantic interest in him, but he claims he has more in common with a dog than royalty. Smoothly, Jup replies, “I love dogs. I’ve always loved dogs.” Credits. Well, not really, but that’s a closer. We need more Hallmark cards with such inspiring words.

As terrible as “Jupiter Ascending” is, I must admit that it’s wildly fun. Who doesn’t secretly want to watch Jerry Springer exploit unsuspecting guests? And who doesn’t want to see various prominent actors and filmmakers tank their careers with a film so desperate to save face because Warner Bros. postponed its premiere by almost a year in an ill-advised attempt to boost sales with 3D viewings? If only my headache was just the result of those pesky glasses.

After you open your eyes and witness all the awkwardness on screen, you might smile as you superiorly think, I could’ve made something so much better. Normally you would just sound pretentious, but this is finally one of those films we are all better than. Make a drinking game out of it, simply laugh in awe of its supreme idiocy or just sit back and delight in your sinking ship’s final demise.

The Wachowskis know how to go down swinging, providing a narrative universe as elaborate as Middle-earth and special effects as expensive as any Marvel film. But I’m not convinced they ever go outside and talk to the common folk. They don’t know how to connect to anyone anymore. That’s tragic, considering how marvelously “The Matrix” and “V for Vendetta”, which they produced and wrote, resonate in current events and any compelling discussion about politics or philosophy. “Jupiter Ascending”, however, is mostly an expensive mess.