“The Expendables 2”

Maggie (Yu Nan, front left), Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone, front center) and Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren, front right), are joined by Hale Caesar (Terry Crews, back left) and Toll Road (Randy Couture) in “The Expendables 2”. (photo courtesy of Lionsgate Entertainment)

Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Jet Li, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Dolph Lundgren, Liam Hemsworth and (wait for it)…Chuck Norris! “The Expendables 2” is the who’s who of ‘80s and ‘90s action heroes, with a few newer faces in the mix.

This is the ultimate “bro” movie that does more to endorse the Freudian phallus than tell a cohesive story. Overbearing machismo has never been so abrasive, and a machine gun has never more phallic. But that’s far from a screaming criticism. Just as ludicrous as most action films, “The Expendables” has twice the laughs. And I’m pretty sure the satire is intentional.

At this point, I’d normally sum up the plotline and tell you the names of the characters, but there’s absolutely no need. Van Damme is the villain and everyone else is trying to stop him and a group of evil French mercenaries from getting hold of nuclear material — that’s all you need to know. And before you even ask, yes, you’ll get to see Van Damme do his classic jump kick…twice. Plus, if you’ve been online in the past four years, you might be aware of a little joke surrounding the legend of Chuck Norris –– that might come up.

Remember all the classic action one-liners? Whether it’s something memorable from “Terminator”, “Die Hard” or “First Blood”, “The Expendables 2” references ‘em all. They even take a few moments to mention Lundgren’s actual degree in engineering. I’m surprised Couture’s MMA background, or Crews’ Old Spice commercials, don’t get some air time.

It’s difficult to hate a film that’s so intentionally over the top. The action scenes are enjoyable enough, but more than anything else, the film is funny. Between the one-liners and excessive star presence, this one manages to remain entertaining without ever revealing just quite what the plotline really is. But who cares? Norris, Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger fighting side by side is just too idiotically worth it. Let’s see if something equally ludicrous happens in the next sequel (I can only assume) with actors like Steven Seagal and Wesley Snipes on standby, and a planned all-female cast “Expendables” spin-off.

“ParaNorman”

Norman (voiced by Kodi Smit-McPhee) prepares to enter the Blithe Hollow cemetery in “ParaNorman”, the new 3D stop-motion comedy thriller from LAIKA and Focus Features. (photo courtesy of Focus Features)

Forget “Frankenweenie”, Tim Burton will probably just let you down. “ParaNorman” is a delightful stop-motion film with real guts. Coupling humor with zombies and a witch’s curse, this one’s got all the makings for a family horror adventure (that’s right) with enough humor and thrills for all ages.

Norman (Kodi Smit-McPhee from “Let Me In”) is the school freak. He’s not quite goth, but mom and dad aren’t too thrilled about his love for zombie flicks and pretty much any undead paraphernalia, Hot Topic exploits. But to be fair, Norm sees dead people, so it only makes sense that he surrounds himself with popular artifacts that best represent his reality. Tragically, the living don’t quite see it that way, especially school bully Alvin (Christopher Mintz-Plasse). At least fellow outsider, Neil (Tucker Albrizzi), seeks out Norm’s friendship, and just in time as a local curse is about to raise the dead. And only Norman, with his special ability, can save the town that tries so hard to ostracize him.

While “Nightmare Before Christmas” set the standard for ghouls, goblins and ghosts, “ParaNorman” provides a much more fun story with a massive dose of sacrilegious humor.

Unexpectedly, “ParaNorman” has a message worth the screen time. It’s easy to merely claim that death is an impossible subject in a children’s film, but this one adds humor to loss. The film even tackles that tragedy of burning “witches” in colonial history. As far as stories of vengeful spirits go, “ParaNorman” does something delightfully unexpected (but I ain’t saying what).

It doesn’t have the novelty of “Nightmare” or the narrative cohesion of “Coraline” but it’s more appropriate for young audiences, and even has a handful of jokes only the adults will understand (hopefully). Rookie director and writer Chris Butler and “Flushed Away” director Sam Fell have a gem of a film on their hands that hopefully speaks to future stop-motion projects to come. And let’s hope they keep with horror, the last un-mined source of artistic inspiration.