“Respect your elders” is something many of us were told by parents and teachers when we were younger, but the advice is often times ignored. The “Buddy System,” a collaboration between the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center’s (LAGLC) and Gay and Lesbian Elder Housing (GLEH), is a program that builds on respect for elders by pairing seniors over 50 with “buddies 20 years younger. Ed Stanley, founder of the program, said the relationships are very necessary and important in the LGBT community.

ired him to initiate the Buddy System program. (photo courtesy of LAGLC)

“In our society we don’t value our elders,” Stanley said. “It is especially fierce in the gay community.”

Stanley came up with the idea for the program after spending time with his dying grandfather, Ed Rutkowski, during the last years of his life. Stanley said his grandfather’s health deteriorated rapidly while living in a nursing home. While Stanley and Rutkowski did have a good relationship when Stanley was a child, the two did not have much contact after Stanley became an adult. When Stanley had to keep watch over Rutkowski in his last years, it was a task Stanley was not too thrilled about at first.

“It’s not my proudest moment,” Stanley said. “But I really did not want to have to deal with that situation.”

Stanley soon found himself visiting Rutkowski at the nursing home on a regular basis to learn more about his grandfather’s life. He learned many lessons while spending time with his grandfather like joy, generosity and connection.

“I’m convinced the things I learned about myself through my grandfather were things I wouldn’t have learned any other way,” Stanley said.

The visits also helped provide Rutkowski escape from the nursing home environment he hated. Stanley would drive Rutkowski around neighborhoods where he used to live and Stanley would listen to his grandfather’s stories and watch him smoke cigars. Rutkowski later passed away at the age of 89.

Stanley said he really wanted other people to have a similar experience and came up with the idea for the Buddy System. As a gay man, Stanley said he felt the best place to implement his program was with the LGBT community.

Steve Gratwick, manager of senior services at LAGLC, said the idea was great for the senior members of the community.

“It has provided an opportunity for LGBT seniors to feel relevant and connect with youth that was not available before,” Gratwick said.

Gratwick said he has received a lot of positive feedback from the seniors involved in the program. The seniors enjoy having younger members of the community call them and plan activities and that the program makes them feel like they have value.

“This program was always intended to be a two-way street,” Stanley said. “It’s not just for the benefit of the younger volunteers but also the senior volunteers.”

The first phase of the program began last March with nine pilot buddy pairs who signed on for a one-year commitment. The senior buddies were all over 50 years old and the junior buddies were at least 20 years younger than their senior buddy. The buddies must meet twice a month and have a weekly phone conversation. The buddies are not allowed to drive in the same vehicle and must use their own transportation to arrive at a meeting, for liability purposes, but a local taxi service does donate services for anyone who does not have access to transportation. The buddies are also not allowed to go to each other’s homes and are asked not to drink alcohol at their meetings. Stanley said the program also organizes group gatherings and activities every few months for all of the buddies in the program.

The second-phase of the program introduced 10 new buddy pairs in November, but the commitment was reduced to six months with an option to renew the partnership for another six months after that. Stanley said they have also eased up on the requirements of weekly phone calls and given the new buddy pairs more freedom to design their own schedules.

“There are some people who just don’t like the phone,” Stanley said. “Others like to meet three or four times a month and we have given them more freedom to schedule their own activities.”

Mark Rowe, a junior buddy involved in the program, was introduced to Stanley through a mutual friend and knew he was interested in participating.

“It sounded like an amazing program to me and was something I wanted to be a part of,” Rowe said. “A lot of times, seniors in our community get lost in the shuffle.”

Participants have to go through an initial phone interview and then an in-person interview before they are selected for the program. The participants then go to an orientation, where they have to find their randomly selected buddy by finding the matching color-coded nametags they are given. When Rowe finally met his senior buddy, Robert Clement, the two had a discussion for an hour, after which each person had to stand up and talk about their buddy.

“It really tested how much you were listening,” Rowe said. “It was a wonderful experience right from the beginning.”

Rowe, 42, said his experience with Clement, 85, has been equally wonderful. Rowe said he has learned a lot about how different life was for a gay person when Clement was younger.

“Just to think about what they went through,” Rowe said. “It breaks my heart a bit and makes me think about how important this program is.”

Clement also praised the program and what a great purpose it has served late in his life.

“I find it fascinating,” Clement said. “It gives you a different perspective. I’m interested in new people and learning different things. It’s all part of the process of keeping yourself mentally active at my age and keep on living and keep from vegetating. I certainly don’t want to vegetate.”

Both Rowe and Clement said they expect their friendship to continue after their commitment with the program is over.

Stanley did say that there are some occasions when buddies do not get along. Volunteers are asked to communicate the problems to representatives of the program right away so they can be matched with another buddy. There has only been one case of a buddy dropping out because the volunteer’s work schedule conflicted with the program.

With the first set of buddies’ commitments getting ready to expire in March, Stanley said the program has been a great success and will only expand further. Stanley added that he was hoping to introduce the program in New York later this year.

Individuals interested in the program can get more information by visiting www.lagay-center.org/seniors.